The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality and life.
Andrew Solomon
Strong Newsletter
What affects mood and confidence?
Your mood and level of confidence are most affected by several factors.
- Lack of motivation and focus
- Self-criticism and negative self-talk
- Feelings of inadequacy, sadness, and hopelessness
- Fatigue
- Too little or too much sleep
Everyone experiences these feelings and difficulties at one time or another. Your mood and confidence will nosedive (and turn into depression) if you experience a multitude of these problems on a regular basis, and they start to significantly impact your performance and relationships.
What can I do?
Depressive symptoms are normal reaction to stressful life events, such as failing a class, the loss of a job, or difficult relationships. If the symptoms persist for days or weeks, they could take a toll on your relationships, work or academics, and well-being. Coping with difficult emotions and thoughts requires cultivating life skills, such as recognizing negative thinking styles and being kind to yourself. Learning these life skills take knowledge and practice, as well as courage to acknowledge when we can’t do it alone and seek help.
The benefit of a newsletter format
When I give people a single file with all the life skills in this series, people usually feel overwhelmed by the amount of information. It’s like drinking from a fire hose. They would browse through it, put it aside, and likely never read it again. In contrast, people are more likely to retain and practice the life skills when they read them one at a time. So your patience and persistence will pay off when you complete this mini education series and acquire the skills to stay Strong!
What's next?
What I hear I forget, what I see I remember, what I do I understand. - Confucius
This guide is based on extensive clinical experience, and it incorporates skills from cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and dialectical behavior therapy. The newsletter format is designed to help you learn and practice, one skill at a time.
- Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. (read below)
- Detailed instructions to identify and describe precisely how you feel.
- An overview of what affects difficult emotions.
- Tips to improve your sleep.
- Understanding the inner workings of self-criticism.
- A list of common triggers that affect your mood.
- An introduction to mindfulness – a special kind of awareness.
- Descriptions of common cognitive distortions.
- A guide to training your mind to be flexible.
- Behavioral strategies for getting unstuck from depressed moods.
Are you ready?
As a psychologist who has worked with hundreds of clients and been on the other side, I know that the first step is often the most difficult. Sign up for the Strong newsletter and you will receive a life skill email every other day. Read the first skill below. You will receive the second skill the day after you sign up.
I value your privacy. Your information will not be shared.
Strong Newsletter
Life Skill - 1 - Self-compassion
Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks, what’s good for you? – Kristen Neff
Self-compassion
Self-compassion is the first skill for Strong because people often judge themselves harshly.
- “I suck at this.”
- “Nobody really loves me.”
- “I am not good enough.”
Compassion comes from the word, “passion,” which means “suffering, enduring.” So compassion means, “to suffer with.” Self-compassion is being kind and gentle to ourselves, and acknowledging that suffering is a universal experience. By being compassion towards ourselves, we may also be moved by the pain to take care of ourselves or seek help.
Self-criticism and self-compassion
One way to understand self-compassion is to contrast it with self-criticism. Many people are haunted by a critical voice in their head. We say to ourselves words that we would never say to a friend.
- “I am not good at this. My friends are happier and more successful.”
- “I’m lazy and wasting too much time.”
What if we turn it around, and be kind to ourselves as we would for a loved one? Could we offer ourselves a kind word or taking a break without feeling guilty?
- “You know what, I am doing the best I can. Everyone feels inadequate at one time or another. I can give myself a break.”
- “Let me be present with my difficulties for just a moment. I know it’s hard. Let me be kind to myself.”
Rather than criticize ourselves, we sit with our inadequacies with a gentle softness, which is what we would do when we hold a child after he or she falls down and cries from pain.
Take a step back
Self-compassion requires mental strength because we need to hold the pain and suffering in our awareness, without being swallowed by self-judgment. To create distance, one method is to visualize feelings of inadequacy as a child crying and screaming for attention. Take a deep breathe, and see if you can allow any anxiety to glide off your body.
Can you create a separation between yourself and the child who is suffering? This separation creates a space from which a tenderness may arise. This tenderness, which some compare to an inner wound, is the basis from which we “suffer with” another.
Mental obstacles
Self-compassion is a difficult practice because we are used to offering compassion to others, but not to ourselves. Most people have never done it before, and it appears to challenge some common beliefs.
- “Self-compassion is self-indulgence.” Some people believe that they need to be harsh to motivate themselves. Being kind to ourselves would make us weak. In contrary, when compassion is genuine, it is heart-felt recognition of the pain. It does not mean that we accept failures and ignore the need for change. We are often our worst critic, leaving no room for any kindness.
- “I don’t deserve kindness.” You may think that you have done so many bad things, that you are lazy, broken, and damaged, that you don’t deserve to be loved. Self-compassion is a positive regard for oneself, in spite of imperfections. An unrelenting sense of worthlessness or hopeless, however, is a sign of depression.
- Some people do not want to see themselves as weak. Being vulnerable takes courage. People who are comfortable in their skin are not afraid to acknowledge that they sometimes feel sad and depressed. Remember you are not alone; what we see on Instagram and Facebook is not real.
Life Skill training – 1
One way to practice self-compassion is through the help of a guided script. It will take you through the stages of relaxation, openness, and self-compassion.
Life Skill training – 2
Alternatively, if you are currently struggling with a difficult situation, it’s an opportunity to practice some self-compassion. Imagine a person sitting in front of you. A person who is sad, burdened with the weight of self-doubt. Sitting in front of this person in pain, what kind of feelings arises in you? Would you be able to hold him/her in kindness? What if this person were you?
Practice note: You may not experience any warm and fuzzy feelings when you first practice self-compassion. You may feel restless or distracted. Other obstacles include feelings of inadequacy and internal voices of self-criticism. If these difficulties persist, speak with a counselor to explore and gain insights from the underlying issues.
Liang Liao, Ph.D., MBA
Licensed Psychologist
Reference: http://self-compassion.org/