You suspect that you inherited some unhealthy emotional and relationship patterns from your parents. If you did, you wonder what they are and how they affect your work and relationships. Below are seven types of behaviors that I’ve seen in clients whom I have worked with, as well as from my own experience growing up. Although this list is primarily based on the Asian American experience, you may recognize these tendencies in people from other cultures as well.
- You are very harsh on yourself. Your parents don’t praise you often, but are quick to criticize. They think it’s their responsibility to give your “honest” feedback, because no one else will. They always think you can do better, often comparing you to your cousins and friends. Overtime, you’ve internalized these criticisms, and you beat yourself up when you make a mistake.
- You rarely use words such as anxious, sad, scared, or hurt to describe your emotions. Your parents don’t use these words either. You understand what your friends mean when they use these words, but somehow they don’t seem to fit you. In general, you don’t use negative feeling words.
- You avoid conflict. Asian cultures value harmony and interests of the group over self-interest. Conflict in your family means a heated argument. So you would rather accommodate than to talk about your needs, or remain quiet rather than voice a differing opinion. You worry about creating a rupture in the relationship, and people won’t like you.
- You don’t get angry often, and when you do, you don’t know how to express it productively. Similar to the tendency to avoid conflict, expression of angry in your family is basically someone yelling or shouting.
- You are not very good at saying, “sorry,” to your friends, partners, or parents. When you think about it, your parents never apologize to you. If they did something wrong, they pretend it didn’t happen. It feels embarrassing and awkward to apologize.
- Your way of expressing love and gratitude is limited. Your parents don’t hug, use the word “love,” or buy gifts for each other. Maybe they think that they care about you by asking questions such as, “when are you going to get married,” whenever they get a chance. They also seem to enjoy cooking for you when you are home, but they never say they do.
- You don’t like to talk about what you need emotionally in a relationship. Growing up, your parents rarely ask you what you need. Children should defer to elders, and should never “talk back” or challenge their parents.
Do you recognize yourself in the list? If it resonates with you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. There are many ways to express positive and negative emotions, such as love and anger, and there is no one right way. I love Asian cultures and I think their norms are there for good reasons. The challenge, however, is when these relationship and social norms clash with mainstream American culture. They may negatively impact you at work or in relationships with people from a different background.
What else would you add to the list? I am sure I am missing something.
