Couples argue. The key to a healthy relationship is “arguing well,” which were wise words that an esteemed colleague told me during my bachelor’s trip in Yosemite right before my wedding. I share below an argument that I had with my partner, and how we were able to prevent it from escalating.
I’ll skip the particulars of the argument, which are often less important that the emotional process. Suffice to say, my wife was upset with me after an interaction, and we didn’t speak for a while. She went to bed early, and she was still awake when I joined her later. In an attempt to reconcile, I put my arms around her. She softened, and told me how hurt she was by what I did.
It was difficult to be present and listen emphatically. Instead of focusing on her, I felt overwhelmed by various emotions, from frustration (“I already apologized”), to defensiveness (“I was just trying to offer an alternative”), to confusion (“How is this incident related to incidents that happened weeks ago?”), to pain (“Will she forgive me?”).
These thoughts and emotions threatened to run over me. Yet there was something that tempered them. She was crying, clearly hurt by my behavior. I had inflicted a wound deeper than I imagined. In moments when I could tune in to her suffering instead of drowning in my agitation, my heart reached out to her. I also seemed to be buffered by the kindness that she showed me days earlier. Rather than sinking into an emotional black hole, her compassion kept me afloat. I recognized that the anger I was feeling was not towards her, but remnants from my childhood. I knew that what she needed the most was my presence and openness.
I still didn’t know what to say to comfort her, but I told her I was listening. I asked questions to clarify the connection between my action earlier and her feelings, and between tonight’s incident and those in the past. She gradually opened up and helped me understand her inner world. It started to make sense to me, and my ability to relate to her pain helped her feel better. The tension broke when I told her that she could call me “an asshole” if she wanted, and she laughed.
In retrospect, I was able to identify several elements that helped us “argued well.”
- Putting my arms around her when I broach the topic of the argument. Maintaining physical contact during the discussion helped us stay emotionally connected.
- Being able to regulate difficult emotions, such as frustration and pain. These are powerful emotions that often derail the process of communication and turn it into a shouting match.
- Building a strong foundation through everyday acts of kindness and intimacy. Without these pillars, our relationship will not be able to withstand difficult interactions.
- Recognizing that some of my reactions stemmed from negative childhood experiences. Understanding how I am shaped by past experiences, especially those with my parents, is essential to recognizing my attachment and relational patterns.
- Listening instead of problem-solving. The act of listening, or being truly open and present, is the best gift we can give each other.
