Rejection is painful. Whether it’s a romantic interest who stopped returning your texts, a job or promotion you didn’t get, or the dreaded letter from the university’s admissions office, we have all experienced it at one time or another. The worst part is the self-doubt that seeps into your mind. You start to question your ability, second-guess your decisions, and wonder if you have what it takes. A rejection can shake your confidence to the core.
It is not easy to rebound from a rejection. Here are some strategies that can help you regain your confidence.
- Rejection can be devastating because it is not just about the issue at-hand. You start to think about past incidents of (perceived) failure, and replay them in your mind over and over again. So the first step is to become aware of this tendency, and note the people and scenarios that keep popping up in your head. This simple awareness can diminish the impact of rejection. You may also recognize that there is weak or no rational relationship between the current setback and the other incidents.
- Another tendency is over-generalizing the incident as a never-ending pattern. This is a common cognitive distortion that results from a rejection. For example, “I didn’t get this job/promotion/sale, so I’ll never succeed in this area.” The words “always” and “never” are signs that you are over-generalizing. Because of this tendency, you may want to quit dating, become passive instead of proactive at work, or give up on a career path. To counter this distortion, recall or write down your past successes and praises that you have received. It may not be easy putting things in perspective, so you may need to do this again later or with a friend or counselor.
- A powerful way to ground yourself is to write down your deepest values and the reasons why you took the time and effort to take up the pursuit (that led to the rejection) in the first place. What kind of person do you want to become? What positive qualities do you bring to a relationship? What drew you to this career path? Re-aligning yourself with your aspirations will help you see that a rejection is just an obstacle on your journey. Successes in relationship and career take hard work and persistence.
- The next step is to engage in an activity that re-connects you to the core values. For example, if you value self-growth, you can read a book that inspires you. If you value kindness, you can volunteer for a local organization. Other suggestions are taking a walk in nature, yoga, or journaling. Engaging the mind and body in positive actions will break the momentum to focus on the negatives.
- Lastly, be kind and gentle to yourself. Offer yourself compassion rather than criticism. It’s ok if you still feel hurt or down after trying all the strategies above. What would you say to a friend if he or she were you? (Read more about self-compassion here.)
Coping with rejection takes practice, and rejection always hurts. With time and perspective, however, you may look back at a particular rejection as an event with special meaning. Not everything happens for a reason, but sometimes, when one door closes, another opens.
