It’s been four weeks since M was born. I cried the moment when she came into the world, her tiny body lying on P’s chest, her dark eyes looked expectantly at P. We had been expecting her for nine months, wondering what she would look like and worrying constantly if she was healthy. The anxiety was instantly washed away by a wave of joy and awe the moment we saw her beautiful face and delicate features. She looked so fragile, yet magnificent – a masterpiece created by mother nature, built from all but a cell from P and another from me. In that instant I knew that my life would be changed forever by an unbreakable bond between me and this being.
On a day-to-day basis, most of the time this immeasurable love is not glamorous. I am learning to manage my frustration when she cries inconsolably. Lots of diaper changes, frequent feeding sessions, and irregular though (so far) adequate sleep. The biggest sacrifice, by far, is the lack of time I have for myself. I run about once or twice a week, hardly meditate, and have not had time to work on personal projects. Being baby-bound also makes going outdoor difficult. I have been watching more hours of TV each day than I’d like while attending to M’s needs. At a result, in the past two weeks a growing restless has been gnawing at me.
This restless is tempered at night when it is my shift to care for M, and I have used most of that time to study. Although I did not make self-care a priority, the few times I journaled significantly calmed my nerves. I also practiced Tai-chi a couple nights ago to alleviate the soreness in my shoulder, which came from sitting for hours. I felt more centered and grounded after these activities.
When I spoke to D on the phone earlier in the afternoon, I described my professional ambition as a beast that needs feeding. Right now the beast is hungry, and I am giving it breadcrumbs. This beast is fighting for time and attention with the other big cats in Liang’s animal kingdom. I need to find ways to keep these animals fed and living harmoniously.
