What are the different expressions of love? I never really understood my parents’ daily verbal wrangling, which seems to have the same pattern after 40+ years of marriage. Over time, as I became more aware of cultural differences, I began to wonder, could the bickering be also an expression of a deeper emotion, maybe even love?
The exchange between my parents during dinner exemplified the dynamics between them. It began with dad’s comment about a bitter taste from the cucumber in one of the dishes. Perceiving it as a complaint, mom replied, “Well I had to cook the cucumber along with the bittermelon left-over because you did not finish it from lunch.”
“Well that’s because you said bittermelon had potassium,” dad retorted.
“But ong choy (a green-leaf vegetable) has a lot of potassium, which is bad for you, but you wanted me to cook it anyway,” mom reprimanded with her sharp tone.
“The doctor said I need the green-leaf vitamin from the ong choy,” dad argued, using anything he could grasp.
“No the doctor did not say that, you are just making it up.”
Dad became silent momentarily. Mom continued, “You never pay attention to what the nutritionist says. It says your potassium is too high. Didn’t you see it in the last report?”
“No I didn’t see it,” dad slightly raising his voice.
“I brought the chart home, and we saw it together,” mom said in defiance, “your potassium level is too high. It’s almost above the range of normal.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“Yes, that’s too high, the highest amongst all the other numbers,” mom re-stated her point.
Although the communication style of this conversation seems somewhat dysfunctional to me, I also recognize that, underneath the bickering and defensiveness, there is a deep bond between mom and dad. Mom cares deeply about dad’s well-being, and her concerns are manifested in her criticism. Dad manifests his love for mom in the playfulness of his responses, which he marks with a smile. Love has many expressions, and the twisted and mangled ways in which my parents communicate their care and concerns for each other, perhaps, are expressions of love nonetheless.
Mom’s care for dad is epitomized in a conversation I had with her during lunch on Saturday, while dad was in the dialysis treatment center. An advertisement for Rose Hills cemetery ground, where mom’s dad is buried, was playing on TV. That was likely the trigger for mom to talk about funeral proceedings for her and dad after they die. “When dad dies, we could cremate his body,” she said. I could see tears in her eyes. “Keep it until I die, then you can cremate my body as well, and you can throw both of our ashes into the ocean.” Sadness overcame me at that moment. In my mind’s eye, I saw that I was standing somewhere out in the ocean, in its vastness. I held the ashes of parents, tossed them out with the wind, into the ocean. Their ashes shift to-and-from in the wind like a pair of butterflies circling each other. I held back my tears.
How do your parents express love? How does it affect how you express love?
